Saturday, August 15, 2009

i've been thinking

i've been in my house for about a month now and i'm still adjusting to change and living alone. i love my house, my neighbors, being the sole decision maker (sometimes), and most things but i cannot get used to not having someone to turn around and talk to. not just anyone, mainly i'm missing mom. as i've mentioned before, we have a special relationship. we've been each other's support for each other ever since my dad passed away nearly 17 years ago. that is a long time to build this relationship we have with each other. the good news is...we are only 3 miles apart. the bad news is...i feel like i've abandoned her when she may have needed me most. i don't think either of us realized how much we leaned on each other for support. she said she hasn't sat in the den to watch tv since i left...it's just not as fun watching tv alone. i understand. i also overheard her tell someone it's as if one more "brick" in her foundation of life has been removed...i understand that too. it's so shaky, unsettling, unnerving to be alone and have the weight of everything resting on your shoulders. i guess we were more of a support to one another than we knew.

all this has gotten me to thinking (A LOT) about adopting and what it will be like for Molly. i can't imagine the sadness, grief, and adjustment she will feel when I adopt her and move her thousands of miles from the only home she's ever known. i've said before, i've never moved. this 3 mile journey to home ownership is probably the farthest I'll ever be able to handle. if nothing else this could have been the sole purpose in my move...to be able to sympathize with my daughter in a real way. although i would never compare moving from china to Nashville, tn to my 3 mile trek...it has given me something to consider.

don't worry...i'll be ok! i haven't even cried about it since my first two days. school has started and my regular work routine has begun. it is nice to be able to come into a quiet house and not to walk through a daycare of 12 kids! but, i GREATLY miss my welcome that i had when i arrived home to mom's house from the kids...especially eddie and maddie. they ran to me everyday and had to go inside to the house with me until their parents came. and in the mornings they greeted me and usually eddie didn't want me to leave for school.

but, i'm putting on my big girl panties and am growing up! enough of all this whining!! i'm so thankful to be able to have bought a house in this market. and i'm very thankful i have a stable job! Praise Jesus!

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