Thursday, December 10, 2009

My heart aches and my stomach is in knots...

why you may ask? what is all the confusion in my mind lately? well, I'm so glad I have you all to talk to...since I joined the "special needs/waiting child" list in October I've reviewed 4 sweet little referrals of baby girls who all need a home and believe me I wanted all of them! This has been one of the most difficult times in my life trying to decide if I'm looking at my daughter's face or not. I've even thought how much easier this process may be if I were married...you know so I could turn to my husband and have confirmation on my decision. I haven't wished for a husband throughout this process, in fact it's been pretty great to decide things on my own...like her name, the nursery decor, etc. There is nobody to fight with over that stuff. But now...this decision is so hard. I knew it would be.

I knew once I started to look at these faces my heart would melt. And my heart is a big puddle right now. I can't give specific details on the children I've reviewed; but they have ranged from 2 years old - 5 years old and have each had a range of special needs. Some more serious than others. One had a special need that was already repaired and that was a very difficult one to refuse but she was a bit older than what I originally wanted.

Needless to say this process has made me take a step back and really search deep for some answers. What I've discovered is what I know for sure...

1. My daughter, Molly, is somewhere in China
2. God is leading and working through this process...my mind is opening up to what he will be able to do through me
3. Since this may be my only child, I really want a girl as young as possible. (I really wanted to accept the 5 year old's referral however something deep inside of me couldn't just yet. I just don't want to miss that much of her life. I could see a lot of 'pros' to accepting a child that was already 4 or 5 years old and in the future I may reconsider. But, for now, I want a baby under 2 years old. This changes the process just a bit b/c more than likely her special need at that age will not be repaired. It also means a bit longer of a process because most people are waiting for as young as possible. As you can see, if age wasn't an issue I could have a daughter by now.)
4. I'm ready to be a mom now.

What you can pray for and what I hope will happen with this process...
(obviously the biggest request...that I instantly KNOW when I see her face, this is my daughter!)
1. I see and know my daughter's face by my 35th birthday...February 21, 2010.
2. I travel by May 2010
3. I'm home and well adjusted by June 2010
4. I have a child to begin holiday traditions with by Halloween 2010
5. When it happens, the process, paperwork, and financial obligations will all fall into place.

4 comments:

Angie said...

Praying for you Amy. You know how I advocate for older children. Just like you, I wanted young as possible, but when I saw my sweet Mia's face, I knew she was my daughter. You will know when it is your child. I wondered about missing out on Mia's life, but it's not that way at all...everyday she discovers something new, and it is amazing being there when she does. Just pray for God's will and open your heart to all possibilities. Call me if you ever have questions, or just want to talk. I just know Molly is waiting abround the corner for you!

Jill said...

Amy~ I'm tearing up as I read this. I don't completely know how you feel b/c I'm not in the adoption process but I do know how it feels to be alone and make major decisions alone. It's hard.

I will definitely be praying for you, your daughter, and the decision process. We need to talk soon.

Emily Doss said...

Oh Amy- This is so very very exciting. I'm sure Deb has told you about Darby Lane coming our way soon, but I totally feel you in thinking how in the world am I going to decide. We would have situations presented to us and had to decide what we would or would not accept. Some of the birthmoms had lots of drug use and some didn't. So crazy to think about is this one my child or not. I will definitely be praying!

Anonymous said...

I'm so praying for this Amy......I know the mother you will be and I ask God for His mercy in sending you a special, and blessed, child!

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