Friday, February 5, 2010

the story continues...

i want to continue the rest of my story here of what the past two days have entailed.  i can't even believe i am here at this point.  today my EA (electronic acceptance) was officially sent to china and i'm totally freaked out!  i don't normally read these kinds of things on adoption blogs, but i always pour my heart out here and so that is what i will continue to do.  i want to be honest about each step of the journey so i can look back to see how God has guided me through it and also so others who are walking the same path may be assured they are normal.  i have not felt normal over the last 48 hours!!!  i guess that is to be expected, right?  i mean this is a life changing decision on so many levels.  my brain, body, and emotions are shook to the core.  my diet has changed (this could be a good thing, i could stand to loose a pound or 100!).  my stomach is unsettled.  my mind is racing. 

after all the years of waiting and all the dreams i've had for me and my daughter i never thought my mind would take me here...doubt, fear, and questioning what i'm doing.  how will i even be able to be a single mom and have a full time job?  how will i get anything done?  am i ruining my life?  what if i ruin her life?  will i ever have a moment just for me again?  i know it sounds so selfish even as i type this.  i've never had these fears before.  but all of a sudden, as i look at these big brown eyes in the picture staring back at me i feel totally unequipped to do anything.

somehow i thought once i saw her picture i would feel totally connected to her, attached already to who she is.  but i don't feel connected.  i love her.  i think she is adorable.  but i don't feel like i know who she is. will i attach to her?  will she attach to me?   it's typical right...you have these dreams of "cinderella stories" where things will feel magical and build your hopes on them but then somehow the actual experience is much different. 

my friend told me i'm such a realist i'm overthinking everything...i'm trying to figure everything out before she even gets here.  i guess that is true.  honestly, as a single woman/mom i feel like the weight of it all is on my shoulders.  i'm ready to get to the joy of the moment though.  i want to enjoy the experience (the time before travel), even as hectic as it will be. 

you know, it's funny...remember when i moved into my house?  it was the first major adult decision i had made in a long time.  a time to really step out as a single woman and be independent.  I was a total MESS for two days!  I cried nonstop.  But eventually the tears turned to joy and I can honestly say I have loved being a homeowner ever since.  I've thought of that a lot today, because that is the last time I remember feeling so torn up inside.  If owning a home was that good, how much greater will motherhood be?  I am sure there is no comparison. 

I have to think that my desire to be a mom hasn't been that far off the mark.  Surely I wouldn't have such a strong desire since childhood and the time come and I'm horrible at it. 

So there you have it.  Do you think I'm officially going crazy?  I've talked to many single adoptive moms and they agree that I am normal.  I'm going to take their word for it!  This journey has already proved to be an interesting one!  I'll be back soon to post a picture of Molly...probably in about 2 weeks!

8 comments:

Shauna and MacLean said...

I remember the feeling of not thinking I could handle this on my own. Wow times change and you just know that when Molly is placed in your arms it will begin and the bonding and attachment will happen. It may take some time and lots of work but you will be a great mom. I see the care in everything you blog about and know that you will do fine. There are always questions and I feel that even now almost 11 years later I still wonder how I do it. Being a teacher rocks I am always home and have each and every holiday with my daughter. Summers are amazing and know that support is out there.
I felt many of the same things but it just all falls into place and you too will just handle what comes your way. take care, and can't wait to see your beautiful pictures of your lovely daughter.
xoxo

Love for Lilly Yin said...

Let me tell you (fellow RQer here) I did the SAME thing. I felt numb and excited, and scared and happy all together. You are not messing up. Take a deep breath...this is your moment in time. This is your baby. Will you be scared...YES! Will she be scared...YES! Will it all work out to be perfect in its own way...YES! Between naw and...what May? Which is a great time to travel BTW. You will go through every worst case and best case senario. You won't sleep...and you will be a crazy wreck, but thats how you know it is meant to be. If you didn't worry what kind of Mom would you be? Worrying is what Mom's do the best! Maybe you won't have much time for yourself, but you won't care, because you will have your baby, and that is all that will matter. I know we are just cyber buddies in the world of adoption, but I have been there and I could have posted this very thing this time last year when we found our daughter Lilly. I understand..and am here if you need to talk. dockery@mochamail.com

Judi said...

Congratulations on your referral!

Angie said...

Friend...we are either "normal" together in our emotional ups and downs, or we've both lost it...at least we will be together!

Jill said...

I think your feelings are completely normal and NO you're not crazy. You've waited, prayed, and long for this moment for years. It's finally here and I'm sure it's overwhelming. You're going to be a great mom!

Tricia said...

Amy,
What a great surprise! I am so excited for you and Molly. Believe me when I say that EVERYTHING you are feeling is perfectly normal. I thought I was going crazy too! LOL I have even lost 30 lbs in several months. Please take it all in and enjoy every minute of the chaos. I am praising God for your decision and HIS faithfulness to you. HE knows the desires of your heart and is fulfilling them. Please post the pics when you can. My little one is waking up from her nap - more later. Love ya,
Tricia

Hanne said...

I had the same thoughts, feelings and scares, so I too would say, you are totally normal! I was so scared that I wouldn´t be a good mom for my daugther, that she wouldn´t like me, that I would be negative towards her for stopping me from doing a lot of the things I did before. I loved her from the moment I got her in my arms, but it took me three monthes to feel that I was a good mother.
Believe in yourself and the lord, and everything will be okay, even though it might be rough now and then. You will be a fantastic mother, and you will figure it all out, and don´t hesitate to accept the help your family and friends will offer. It will be a lifesaver...and no one can do it all on their own.
Congratulations on your daugther. Can´t wait to see pictures of you and Molly together.

Hanne from Denmark

Jill said...

Amy,

first of all, I'm so happy for you! It's been awhile since I e-d you, but I saw your post on RQ about the referral. And congratulations!!! And yes, your feelings are normal. There were so many days before and after I got my daughter that I wondered what I was doing. How could I be a single mom and take care of everything? I'm blessed to say I was married last fall...and I still don't know how to handle it all. But switching to SN and accepting my daughter's referral were the hardest and greatest decisions I've ever made. We've been home 3 mos shy of two years. The overwhelming, real love doesn't come in an instant. Not with a referral pic. Not even on "Gotcha' Day." To quote Janette Oke, I think "love comes softly." And then it floods over (but not in the flooding-your-house-and-ruining-your-carpets sort of way ;). There'll be that moment you look at her and you know this is who you've loved all along and you'd lay down your life for her. And even when things are tough, money is tight, and you never seem to have enough time, you'll look at her and know...every second was/is worth it. So excited to see the next steps of your journey!

Jill

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